Caturday #4

Hello and Happy Caturday!

Today we thought we would share more about Niko's favorite sleeping places...Enjoy!

On the cat tree

In his bed with his string of course...

On the couch

Shh....don't tell Ben

He loves sleeping in the sun ^_^

His Most Favorite Place!

Until Next Time...

The Fault in Our Stars

Hello and Happy Thursday!

Last week I read a cute little book. It was a simple read and I am sure that it can be read in a day if you have the time. I just read for an hour or so and got through the book in about 4 days.  So...what is the book called...

It made me laugh out loud a few times and even made me cry too. Now that is what I call a good book! It all started when I saw this video on YouTube. I really enjoyed listening...even though I only got through the first few minutes. Regardless, I was anxious to get my hands on a copy.

The basis of this book is about a young girl, who has cancer, and her adventures with a boy she meets at a support group. It's cute, touching, funny, and sad too. For all the details, of course, you are going to have to read it! Let me know your thoughts on it if you have read this book.

I really enjoyed this style of writing and would like to read something perhaps a bit more challenging but still a nice read. Now that I am a little familiar with John Green, I am very interested in reading some of his other pieces as well. Any suggestions on books to catch up on from him would be gratefully accepted.

Until Next Time...

Tickets are Booked!!!

Hello and Happy Tuesday!

Tickets are booked people!!!!!

Yes, that's right, over the weekend Ben helped me settle on dates and tickets have been bought. Gosh, the turmoil is something that I cannot begin to express. Although I have so much anticipation about going, there are still too many emotions for anyone to understand.

I am full of eagerness to get to Korea, but I am so nervous and scared. It's almost like I have some high expectations without having any at the same time. I guess it's really just the fear of the unknown that it holding my stomach and twisting it round and round.

I have been such a crazy person with ups and downs lately, but this is just the beginning....it's my eagerness vs. my sense of reality that is taking hold! What if I go and I like it, what if I hate it, what if I find something, what if I don't, what should I do, where should I go...all of these things and more are racing around my mind like crazy little flies that are driving me nuts with anxiousness!

I am so eager to learn more about myself and where I came from that it overall doesn't matter what happens when I get there, just as long as I do get there. Motivated is not the word that has ever come to mind with my adoption before reading my documents, but it has definitely stroke a cord somewhere in my bones that has urged me to search and to really look into all of this. I am in search of myself, my history, answers, and....her.

I know, there are always the cliche phrases to heal the mind and bring comfort, and at the same time there are always the statistics and numbers and stories about the unhappy endings. Trust me it's hard walking in these shoes sometimes. I can tell myself these things but it really feels like I don't know where to begin. Wouldn't life be easier if someone could just grab your hand and lead you down the right path and make it all better...hmm....With that said, the tickets are bought so obviously that is the first step.  After reading this blog, I felt comforted and even more fearful at the same time. Regardless, this will have to be my journey and I know that I can guide myself down the right path. I am just so lucky that Ben is by my side through this.

 For now, let the Hangul learning begin....slowly that is ^_^

Until Next Time...

Caturday #3

Hello and Happy Caturday!

This week Niko has really been riled up and full of energy. I mean, so much so that he has been throwing up a lot over the past couple of days. He is loving his laser so I have taken the liberty of creating another little video for you to enjoy.

We also have a house guest for another week that he is thrilled about impressing. There is lots of playfulness that he going around this household!

Enjoy the video!

Until Next Time...

Somewhere Between...

Hello and Happy Thursday!

Right before the holidays I was fortunate enough to go see a brilliant documentary called Somewhere Between. Although it is about China adoption, the ideals ring true for me as well. It really has made an impact on my and I highly recommend for anyone to watch this if you get the opportunity. Even if you have no interest in adoption, there are themes that will reach out to you too. I think these young women showed such grace and maturity with their understanding, knowledge and support they provide others around the world dealing with adoption. I most definitely admire them!

This movie not only made me think about adoption, but also about identity and family. Over the past couple of years, my whole reality of family and what this means to me has really been in question, and at this moment I am even more confused. My sister-in-law made a statement over the new year that I think is interesting, it's something to the effect of...family is who you choose, relatives are who you are born and stuck with. As some can understand this statement and relate to it, it still doesn't feel like it's true. I am definitely not stuck with my mother and I feel that I never had the chance.

I am thankful that I had the opportunity to choose Ben, Niko, and Cherry. They are my family and they mean the world to me, but lately, I have been feeling so mad. I am not mad at anyone but I am just mad in general. I am mad that I never had the opportunity to choose to be stuck with my mother, my birth country or culture.

Don't get me wrong here. I am thankful for being where I am today, but that doesn't mean that I can't be mad about how this came to be. It really feels like I can't fit in no matter where I turn. Yes, I am blessed and I have had many wonderful opportunities and things that have happened all because of my adoption; however, I still feel mad at the fact that any challenge for myself to come here on my own, or my choice for my life and culture was taken away at such an early age. Whoever that little girl was that I was supposed to be is no longer. She isn't a Korean with her culture, language, or traditional understanding.

I don't have the same views about family and culture as the people around me. I can't really fit in with the Korean population nor with my peers who were born here in the United States either. I really am somewhere between these two places...and it's a hard place to be.

For myself, I am trying to make leaps to get to where I want to be...who I was and who I really am. That's all I want is the option of getting to see where I came from and who I could have been. So...sorry for the long rant today but I am going to keep my chin up and let the planning begin!

Until Next Time...

Finding Myself

Hello and Happy Tuesday!

Today I have so much to share with you. I have learned so much over this past week and I am realizing that this is the start to a brand new me. It has taken me 25 years to muster the maturity, strength, and security to pursue looking into my own adoption story. With that being said, I am still full of fear and hope. I wish is that even if this ends in a way that isn't full of lollipops and rainbows, you will find some positive hope and encouragement as I find every step on this journey.

Since I was little, I have never really thought much about my biological family: who they were, what they are like, what they do, or anything about them. I just knew in my heart that they must have been there at one time and obviously had their reasons for needing to look towards adoption. I haven't really looked at my adoption paperwork before and I haven't felt that it was important enough to do so either. In my thoughts, if I can go on with life for 25 years without the need to look into my past, why worry about it.

With the start of a wonderful marriage and the many things in my life I continued to be blessed by, I have lately been wondering a lot about my past as well. Working within the adoption community, everyday I am reminded of the value of knowing your past and your own story. I work hard to help others with theirs, and yet, it doesn't feel right to not learn about my own.

Last week with the full support of Ben and others, I have been able to dig into my adoption paperwork and finally take the huge step of reading my own history. Wow! Let me just say, if you haven't I would highly encourage you to do so when you are ready (with your whole support team behind you). Even if you think it doesn't matter or you think a certain way about it all, let me just tell you that it can really change things just by reading it over. I think after my initial reading of my documents I was stunned, shocked, saddened, and motivated most of all. Now, I can't seem to put these documents down. It feels like they hold the key to me and I just don't want to ever let go.

I am now motivated more than ever before to start looking into myself and finding out who I am and who I could have been. I mean...I know where I am from! I feel like I have a starting point for myself and a little more confirmation about the little things I needed. For example, just knowing things like my birthday is true, my city, my province, etc. It has really changed my feelings about my adoption.

Before I have wanted to go to Korea just as some others too, but now...now I feel that I must! And, I really need to do it while there is still some hope to reunite with my mother. I know that it's a slim chance of finding her and the overall outcome ratios are scary. But, regardless, the way I see it is...I can't hold this knowledge and not do anything while there are others out there who don't even have as much information as I do but are out there searching. Even if I am disappointed or rejected, I feel like I just have to look into this for myself. I just can't let opportunity knock at my door and let it pass on by.

So, the plans are to wait until February (due to some recent law changes) and request more information from the agency in Korea and then, looking to traveling! I am not sure what will happen with this all, but at least getting to my home country will make a huge difference for my soul.

Until Next Time...

Caturday #2

Hello and Happy Caturday!

Today I have a short video to share with you. Quite embarrassing I know, but it is a regular occurrence around this household. Oh the joys of life with hellokmoo...Enjoy!

Until Next Time...