Today I have so much to share with you. I have learned so much over this past week and I am realizing that this is the start to a brand new me. It has taken me 25 years to muster the maturity, strength, and security to pursue looking into my own adoption story. With that being said, I am still full of fear and hope. I wish is that even if this ends in a way that isn't full of lollipops and rainbows, you will find some positive hope and encouragement as I find every step on this journey.
Since I was little, I have never really thought much about my biological family: who they were, what they are like, what they do, or anything about them. I just knew in my heart that they must have been there at one time and obviously had their reasons for needing to look towards adoption. I haven't really looked at my adoption paperwork before and I haven't felt that it was important enough to do so either. In my thoughts, if I can go on with life for 25 years without the need to look into my past, why worry about it.
With the start of a wonderful marriage and the many things in my life I continued to be blessed by, I have lately been wondering a lot about my past as well. Working within the adoption community, everyday I am reminded of the value of knowing your past and your own story. I work hard to help others with theirs, and yet, it doesn't feel right to not learn about my own.
Last week with the full support of Ben and others, I have been able to dig into my adoption paperwork and finally take the huge step of reading my own history. Wow! Let me just say, if you haven't I would highly encourage you to do so when you are ready (with your whole support team behind you). Even if you think it doesn't matter or you think a certain way about it all, let me just tell you that it can really change things just by reading it over. I think after my initial reading of my documents I was stunned, shocked, saddened, and motivated most of all. Now, I can't seem to put these documents down. It feels like they hold the key to me and I just don't want to ever let go.
I am now motivated more than ever before to start looking into myself and finding out who I am and who I could have been. I mean...I know where I am from! I feel like I have a starting point for myself and a little more confirmation about the little things I needed. For example, just knowing things like my birthday is true, my city, my province, etc. It has really changed my feelings about my adoption.
Before I have wanted to go to Korea just as some others too, but now...now I feel that I must! And, I really need to do it while there is still some hope to reunite with my mother. I know that it's a slim chance of finding her and the overall outcome ratios are scary. But, regardless, the way I see it is...I can't hold this knowledge and not do anything while there are others out there who don't even have as much information as I do but are out there searching. Even if I am disappointed or rejected, I feel like I just have to look into this for myself. I just can't let opportunity knock at my door and let it pass on by.
So, the plans are to wait until February (due to some recent law changes) and request more information from the agency in Korea and then, looking to traveling! I am not sure what will happen with this all, but at least getting to my home country will make a huge difference for my soul.
Until Next Time...
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