Over the past couple of weeks I have been attending webinars regarding trans-racial adoptions and connecting with your adoptive child. These have been wonderful professionally speaking, but personally they have resonated with me too.
There are a few things that stood out to me that I wanted to share with others. I truly feel that this information is invaluable and is the first time I have even considered some of these ideas. (Keep in mind that these are my notes from the information provided by other professionals in the adoption community.)
1. "When you choose to adopt trans-racially you are choosing to be a part of that culture." Wow, what a powerful statement that is! I have never thought about adoption or growing a family in this manner. Well, lets be honest, I am sure that this was not the idea of my adoptive family so why would I think about things in this light?! Everyday I see so many families who are considering the adoption of a child from a different race and yet they haven't even considered the powerful impact that it will have on their entire family. You are choosing to become a part of that race and that culture! You cannot deny this!! You cannot choose to bring a child or (another individual for that fact) into your family without being fully aware that you are now choosing to be a part of that culture. Denying this reality causes such a huge hindrance for that new family member and in the end will only cause more pain. Not accepting and incorporating the other racial differences into your family will only do more damage than anything else.
2. Grief and Loss are inevitable with adoption. This is something that your adoptive child will have to deal with for the rest of their lives. This is the ebb and flow of life that will be a challenge for you as an adoptive parent to help them process through. Don't try and stop the pain, confusion, and challenges that your child will ask about. Help them through this. My family never really pushed me about learning more about my adoption story which I think hurts me now as an adult. I think knowing this information is helpful for your child in understanding who they are and their own story. In the end, my hope is that as an adult they will have a better sense of self worth and more passion for their beliefs in who they are. Parents, please stand behind your child and help them through their ups and downs, their tears and joys, their questions and their search for answers. This is the greatest gift you can give....your support!
3. Adoptive parents must acknowledge their own racial and cultural background and be proud of this in order to show their child that it is okay to acknowledge and be proud of their own. Without showing your child that this is okay to be different and celebrate those differences, then in return families may be teaching them the complete opposite. Even if you and your partner come from the same cultural background, it is important to teach your children the value of their own heritage. If you don't think about your own and feel the importance of celebrating this, then how can your children know to celebrate their differences? Gosh, I have never thought of this before and I know that it has already changed the way I feel about Ben and myself growing our family. I am more than happy to celebrate Ben's culture and to incorporate his roots into our family and I know that he is 100% behind us incorporating my Korean heritage into our family as well. I cannot believe what a wonderful husband I have. He has been a driving force behind me really needing to know my culture and I am thankful everyday for this. Now I feel that it is extremely important for our children to know that their mom and dad are different and that is okay. Who knows, perhaps Ben and I may end up adopting one day, and with this knowledge I have learned, I will be sure to teach them the importance of celebrating their own culture too!
4. "Society has expectations based on one's race. It is imperative that adoptive parents help set up their child's cultural identity." This idea is similar to the previous point, however, I wanted to touch on this separately since so many people are concerned about racism in the world. Let me be frank, I mean this is my blog after all...there is racism! Denying this reality is only doing more harm than anything else! Often times, I see people close to me trying so hard not to say things about their prejudices towards a certain group of people simply because it is taboo to openly mention these ideas of racism. This is so frustrating to me since most of the time they end up sounding more racist than if they just would have said what they meant in the first place. Let's be real...an African American individual needs to be aware that they may have different interactions with police officers than the white individual. Asian individuals will have certain societal expectations in regards to their career path or that they cannot speak English. I mean I still hear people being "scared" or "nervous" to be around Middle Eastern individuals!?! Working closely with other countries has even more so showed me how much racism is very real. Without understanding that there are societal expectations based on one's race, how can you educate your child on their cultural identity? We must acknowledge this and show our children that these expectations are real and we need to prepare them on how to handle these so that when they are faced with this, they will be as prepared as possible.
5. "There is a dominant race and there are white privileges." I think it is imperative that we all acknowledge this. I am so tired of hearing from the white population about how another race of peoples out number them so they are not the dominant race. Numbers are not what make a group of people the dominant race. Let's be frank again, Caucasians are the dominant race and they do have white privileges. Ben and I have chatted about this so many times and I cannot tell you how often I have heard him say, "your race doesn't matter." "Your race doesn't matter" in this situation or that situation or where ever you go...this phrase is something I hear often from those with "white privileges." In fact, this is only something that those with white privileges would say! Let me just say again, your race does matter! As a white individual, I can understand that perhaps you have not experienced as many racist situations as other groups of people; however, I do think that it shows ignorance to not to acknowledge that race does matter! Now that is not to say that you, as an individual, do not let one's race determine how you feel abut a topic, person, or a culture; however, in general, most minority cultures of people will not have the same societal expectations or interactions as the Caucasian population. Again, we must acknowledge these racial differences and educate our children about these in order to understand their cultural identity.
6. Parental Responsibility? Now the question comes to this....what are your parental responsibilities? Do you have a parental responsibility to teach your children about these cultural differences? If so, then how do you go about doing this? This is the challenge! I do feel that parents have a responsibility to educate their children on how to celebrate their culture, understand the societal expectations and support them through the ups and downs they will face because of their racial makeup. Please help your children through this so that they are not left to their own devices to learn this important life lesson! This is your parental responsibility.
7. Set up boundaries! Now, I have become very familiar with setting up boundaries and sticking to them. Over the past year and a half since I have began to understand "boundaries"- what they are, setting them up, and sticking to them- my life has changed in the best of ways! I never knew the importance of boundaries and how much they can change your life. Parents need to teach their children the importance of having boundaries. I do wish that this were something that my family was able to teach my and was able to understand for themselves as well. What I mean by this is that parents need to understand that in a multicultural family, you may experience individuals who are not comfortable with these differences and will want to point them out....often in a very negative manner. For example, this year close friends/family were trying to remember if I was Korean and instead ran off on a tangent about me also being a "ninja" or something to this effect. They then choose to let Ben know about this "funny story." Again, I can understand that some do not feel that this is a bad thing and there was no malicious intent behind this, however, it is upsetting in a way that it seems that they were making fun of my racial makeup. Parents and individuals must set up boundaries on what they do find acceptable behaviors and what they don't. And in return, we must teach others about our boundaries and that it is not okay to go beyond them. I have recently spoken with many parents who tell me that their child is being picked on at school because of their race, this truly saddens me but also hits home. We have spoken with professionals in regards to this and I think that it is important for parents to help their children understand that this is not okay, but also must teach them how to set up boundaries for this kind of behavior as well. Sometimes this even means that you cannot interact with close family and friends as much because of their behaviors; however, in the end, I have found that this is only for the betterment of your self worth and happiness.
I hope that this is information sparks as many ideas and is a conversation starter in your family too.
Until Next Time...
